The Simplicity of Boundaries

There are times when people ask more than we can give. There are times when we feel drained or abused or manipulated or unappreciated by a certain person. In such cases, boundaries can restore our peace.

The clearest boundary is to no longer allow a toxic person to be a part of our lives, but in many cases it is possible to preserve both the relationship and our sanity by creating and communicating ground rules.

Let's say, for example, that a parent or parental figure insists on running your life even though you are now an adult. Determine which behaviors aren't acceptable to you. The next time one of those behaviors occurs, tell the other person kindly but firmly about your new boundary. It may feel uncomfortable, and perhaps the other person will be angry. Remain calm and resolute. If that same boundary is violated again, explain the consequence of further violations and enforce the consequence.

For example, if the behavior in question involves "giving advice" in a very pressing way, such as with the words "You should" or "You need to" or simply with a command, explain how you feel when those words are said. You could then suggest alternative ways of giving advice that would be more palatable, such as with the words, "Have you thought about ..." or "Have you considered ..." Explain that advice is always welcome, if that's your truth, but that you retain full autonomy in making the final decision. Let the other person know that you love and appreciate them, if that's your truth, and end the conversation on a positive note if possible. Some people will be open to making the requested changes, and some will not. If a repeat violation occurs, reiterate the boundary and explain that the next time this boundary is crossed there will be no communication of any kind for a week (or insert your own consequence). It will be difficult to do this successfully in a situation where financial support is being provided by the other person, but that doesn't mean the person has a right to continually use or abuse you.

The correct establishment and enforcement of a relationship boundary is a loving act that can actually preserve and strengthen the bonds between two people, eliminating toxic and vengeful thoughts and behaviors.